Remembrance : My Immortal
by DevilsTrill
Summary: [Songfic] On the second anniversary of 911, Dee remembers the life of his lover.


Remembrance - My Immortal  
  
A/N: This was really depressing to write and I was sniffling all the way through. I came up with this at work while listening to "My Immortal." On a day like today when we're remembering the men and women who gave their lives, that song takes on so much more meaning. Then the fic started to weave itself in my mind. I adore feedback. Keeps me going.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
I was dreaming. It was a beautiful morning, bright and calm and cool. Much like that morning had been. We were on one of our walks through Central Park. You had your arm curled through mine, leaning your weight on me as you laughed at something stupid I had said. You looked up at me and smiled one of those smiles that were just for me. Your face was so innocent, your dark eyes so full of life. Not caring about anything else, I brought my face close to yours, whispering words I can't remember now. But they don't really matter. They were words I said all the time. I love you. I want you to be with me always. I moved to kiss you, but there was something pulling you away from me. An alarm cut through the still morning like a knife. I blinked and you were gone.  
  
I awake tangled in my sheets, my breathing heavy. I look at the time. It's still early, barely seven. But I don't have to be in work today. I have a day off. Like I did for the past two years. The realization of what today is hits me like a Mack truck and it nearly brings tears to my eyes. I didn't realize I had so many left after so long. I roll over and my hand rests on your side of the bed. I stopped sleeping on one side long ago, but sometimes it feels like you're still beside me.  
  
//I'm so tired of being here.  
  
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.  
  
And if you have to leave,  
  
I wish that you would just leave.  
  
Cause your presence still lingers here,//  
  
I climb out of bed, ready to face this day. So much of you is still left in this room. Even though it's been two years, I can still smell you. I wish I could be stronger, but there are times when I just break down. I scream to God and ask him why he had to take you. It's selfish, I know, but don't I deserve to be selfish? I finally found the other part of me and he was taken away too soon.  
  
This morning I don't cry. I don't curse God. I go about my business even though I don't have to work. There are things to be done today. The eleventh of September two thousand and three. I go through the room, touching the things you touched. The tie I wear today is one you gave me for my birthday a few years ago. I look in the mirror and I remember you standing behind me, helping me tie it. If I close my eyes and imagine hard enough, I'm taken back to that time.  
  
"Dee, you're such an idiot. Here let me help you."  
  
"You don't have to baby me, Ryo, I can get it myself."  
  
But when I tied it, it came out all wrong. You just laughed and fixed it for me.  
  
//and it won't leave me alone.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal,  
  
this pain is just too real,  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase.//  
  
Two years. They say that time heals all wounds, but some are just too deep. So much was lost that day, but I never thought that you would be on that list. One name on a list of thousands. Today the pain seems just as fresh as it had been that day. And on the day we laid you to rest.  
  
I know I have to face this day. I have to do this so that I'll be able to go on with my life tomorrow. Until next year when we do it all again.  
  
//When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
  
I held your hand through all of these years.  
  
But you still have...  
  
All of me.//  
  
Was I always the strong one? Was it me who always did the comforting? If you had bad dreams at night, I held you close, whispered that it wasn't real. I kissed your cheeks till you fell back to sleep in my arms. And even though I was holding you, in reality it was you who had me.  
  
//You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,  
  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.  
  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.//  
  
You seemed so much smarter than me at times. I was the street kid raised by a nun in a run-down orphanage. But the talks we had. God we would start out serious and I would say something that would just completely bust us up.  
  
It's my dreams that are now difficult to face. I see you as you were; young, beautiful, and innocent. And I see you in your last moments, images conjured up in my sleeping brain. Twisted steel and concrete falling. It's those images that have me screaming in the night.  
  
//These wounds won't seem to heal,  
  
this pain is just too real,  
  
there's just too much that time cannot erase.//  
  
In the days following, I didn't think I would be able to go on. I was hurting too much. One night I sat on our bed with my police issue in my hand, looking at it. I had my finger on the trigger, ready to place it against my temple. But Bickey came in and stopped me. He even went so far as to tackle me to the ground and toss the gun away.  
  
And then we cried. For the first time in the years we've been a family, Bickey and I cried together. We held on to one another as if afraid of losing all that we had left. After we cried our fill, Bickey knocked me over the head and called me an idiot. Makes me laugh even now.  
  
I walk down the street, almost numb to the world around me. Like so many others, I'm making a pilgrimage to where it happened. I didn't do this last year. The hurt had just been too fresh in my heart and my mind.  
  
Those last hours. We had watched the news that morning on our day off and we saw with horror what was going on. It didn't take long for the chief to call and tell us that we had to get down there. We didn't argue. We drove as far as we could and then ditched the car. We'd worry about it later. When we got to the site . . . God it was like something out of an end of the world movie. People were running and screaming. We flashed our badges at the police line and ran without thinking twice toward the buildings. Firemen were directing the rescue workers. Many were going in. Few were returning. I remember stopping and looking at you. Fear gripped my heart. I didn't know if we'd make it.  
  
//When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
  
I held your hand through all of these years.  
  
But you still have...  
  
All of me.//  
  
I took your face in my hands. Through the dust that already coated it I could see tears streaming down. Your thoughts were running parallel with mine.  
  
"I love you," I whispered before I pulled you to me and kissed you with the desperation of a man who is going to death or glory.  
  
Then we parted and that was the last I would ever hold you. You were taken into the building while I was instructed elsewhere. I watched your back and prayed to God for the first time in a long time.  
  
I guess God was busy listening to everyone else.  
  
//I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.  
  
But though you're still with me,  
  
I've been alone all along.//  
  
Emptiness. That's what I'm feeling the most these days. No matter what I know you're no longer here. But why do I see you behind me in the mirror? Why do I catch a glimpse of you walking past the bedroom? You're still here and yet . . . it's just me.  
  
//When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  
  
I held your hand through all of these years.  
  
But you still have...  
  
All of me. //  
  
Today the tears are mine. I've finally made it to Ground Zero. I stand with other police officers that survived. And yet, we all left parts of us behind that day. Our brothers and sisters who were lost. A hand falls on my shoulder and I look back to see Berkeley Rose. The hand on my other shoulder belongs to JJ. The entire precinct turned out today. To honor those we lost. To honor those who found their way home.  
  
Tomorrow I'll go on with my life, back to the same old routine. I'll laugh with the guys at the station and though you and the others are missed, we won't talk about it. In my heart I'll always grieve. Deep in my heart I know you'll always be watching me. And I'll always be yours. 


End file.
